I read a blog yesterday by Laurie about her identity crisis. I have to admit, I could relate. When I'd visit other people with kids, like my sister for example who has four kids, it always seemed intense, but I figured, "with your own kids you must grow into the intensity, making it seem less intense." I've changed my mind on this. Having a child IS intense. One is intense. Four is even more intense. It is really hard work and I don't think I fully appreciated that before (sorry Yoyo). It is exhausting and unrecognized for the most part. Your children set the compass for your days and sometimes are the only ship in the sea, when you desperately need to hit land to get things done.
I used to really question daycare. Why would anyone pay someone else to raise their kids, I thought. MY sister after all can handle four kids all day by herself. I've changed my mind on this too ultimately. Thought daycare isn't the best option for our family, I can certainly understand how it might be the best option for someone else. I hate the days that I stare at the clock waiting for Raph to get home, wishing that I could something else done. I hate when Makili is happy playing with me, my mind is surveying the house for the next project I will complete when I can slip away from him without him crying. This is in my nature. I am a teacher, a professional multi-tasker and being single-minded is maddening for me.
Raph's aunt Gina yesterday said "motherhood is wasted on the young." When we are young and have so much we want to do, motherhood is difficult. She says grandmas on the other hand appreciate the situation differently and are often happy to dedicate time to a baby. I think probably grandmas' abilities to do this may in fact be linked to learning to give up part of themselves as young women. Who knows.
Gina also says, "be careful what you say because it comes back to bite you in the ass." I am trying to be aware of this karmic fact, to not be judgmental of others and to appreciate that there are a million ways to raise a child and most of them produce well-adjusted individuals. I've been feeling a lot of advice coming my way recently. I used to shrug off these comments, confident in my own choices, but I've found them tagging along for longer periods of time. After all, what the hell do I know. I'm tired. Mostly I'm tired of cleaning the house. But I'm tired of not having friends around too. I'm tired of not sleeping. (Makili has been doing better with the sleep, even throughout sickness when I responded to him multiple times in middle of the night, etc. The last two nights though haven't been so good. His napping on the other hand is fully maddening. Like he won't do it. I get him to all asleep and try to move him into his crib, he wakes and screams. Sometimes I've left him in there, since at bedtime he never cries for more than 15 minutes. not so at naptime. Naptime is my only time to get something else done....ahhhh...)
So I've had my own catharsis after reading Laurie's. I really truly did not know how much work a child was, how trying it is to be at home all day with a baby, how challenging certain issues could be. I don't know how my sister has done this four times with no family nearby far away from even a grocery store distraction. I of course believe it to be totally worth it for the Makili and even myself ultimately, but really who knew?
So onto another note. I recently won a "comment contest" from Becky and have decided to host my own. (See pictures of some of my favorite fabulous winnings below!) Anyone who posts a comment will be entered in the "comment contest" for a package of handmade goods. No idea yet what I will include, but your name will be entered once for each comment left before April 15 - tax day... Hope to hear from you!
