It's 12:50 and I'm Not Asleep

I wish I were asleep, but alas, no such luck. This inability to fall back asleep is part of the reason that we've been inconsistently trying to work on sleep with Makili, a proces I am about to detail below, far more specifically thatn anyone probably wants to know about. Let me for the record say I don't want to hear opinions as to whether we are doing the right thing with the sleep. The truth is, like every other set of parents out there, we're doing the best that we can.

Right now we're visiting the Matty's, the latest in a long series of interruptions to our unestablished routine of better sleeping. First Makili got sick, my mom and aunt came, Raph went away and came back jet-lagged, Ann visited so I could work, etc. It is no wonder that he isn't sleeping consistently, since there hasn't been anything consistent about the effort since the beginning, though I will say it has been better since day one of the sleep saga.

At the suggestion of the woman I babysit, who I fully admire for her parenting skills, we started the sleep saga by putting Makili to bed at 7:30/8:00 and preparing ourselves to not respond to him until 4:00. At that point Makili was up every 1-3 hours all night. I was prepared for the worst - I had ear plugs ready, a movie ready to distract ourselves. But it turned out none of that stuff was needed. He cried for 15 minutes at 10:30 or 11:00 and then whimpered on and off for about half an hour at about 1:30. I nursed him at 4:30 and he slept till 7:00.

Then two days later, he got sick and had a fever for almost two whole weeks. The whole time he was sick he still was sleeping about 8 hours before getting up or nursing. Wow! There were a few nights where he cried intermittently for a little longer.

Since Raph was gone and we had visitors, I haven't been quite as prepared to let him cry, since our house is so small and what not. He also suddenly got very good at standing up in crib. When he's standing it isn't nearly as easy to fall back asleep and he really starts to scream, even though he is perfectly capable of sitting back down. This has produced some longer crying sessions in the middle of the night - like up to an hour. Since the head of our bed shares a wall with the crib it isn't easy to sleep during his crying. And then when he does finally fall asleep I am so anxious, I can't sleep for another hour or so anyway. A vicious cycle, though I have been pretty consistent about non nursing in the middle of the night (since he stopped being sick).

Sometimes when I do go to him (I haven't been able to wait until four for a while now, but instead usually go in between 2:30 and 3:30), I'll sleep with him on the futon. The problem is he snores. Like a lot. I cannot sleep, further exacerbating the problem.

I don't function super well on no sleep, though I guess I've done alright considering.
I really want to create a solid routine that Makili can count on and I can count on. I want him to be able to fall asleep on his own, to be able to get back to sleep on his own. Obviously, I need sleep too. Our family, like every other, has to get to a state of equilibrium for everyone.

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The list below includes a whole host of decisions that parents must make (and this list only grows exponentially as kids get older), none of which will individually preclude a child from being well-adjusted, interesting, intelligent, etc. This list of decisions I consciously think about as I know so many mothers (perhaps all) feel judged about one or more of these. I for example feel that there is a lot of judgment about having a C-section. It is as though people respond with this implied, "well you could have waited longer" or "how do you know it was really necessary?" I could answer those questions to the best of my ability, but the point is that I shouldn't have to. We all make decisions based on what we think is best at the time. I have several friends who didn't breastfeed and boy do they get heat from people. For whatever reason, (again I could elaborate but shouldn't have to) they didn't. Sometimes there is a source of regret/inadequacy/insecurity with some of these decisions. I know I felt that way after having a C-section. Thankfully I was surrounded by supportive people. And I still felt that way, so every time I spoke about it with someone new, and they had the shocked "why did that happen" (with the implied failure) reaction, I felt those feelings refreshed. The point is let's all just shut our traps and be supportive of one another. Who the hell really knows what the "right" way of doing things is? We are all doing the best we can.

Vaginal Birth / C-Section
Drugs/No drugs
Breastfeeding/Formula
Pacifier/No Pacifier
Cosleeping/Crib sleeping
Food at 4 months/6 months/8 months/etc.
vitamins/ not vitamins
crying it out/ responding every time
Organic/homemade/storebought foods
Cloth/Paper diapers
Schedule/On Demand feedings
Day care/No day care
Work/Stay at Home


I could go on and on...you get the point.