Notes on Week One (An anniversary already!)

Notes on Makili – Week 1 (June 30, 2007)

We spent the first few days in the hospital, Makili, Raph and I. I was “a baby hog” as Raph put it, and didn’t like to share my baby. I would just stare at his little mouth and the funny faces that he would make as we slept. I did let Raph and the moms have some turns, but I honestly felt a void when he wasn’t in my arms. They took the baby from me twice a day to weigh and wash him, and to allow the pediatricians to look at him. I didn’t like this time one bit. And as soon as they wheeled him back into my room, I felt a giant sense of relief. I would want him immediately and he seemed already to know me, because as soon as he got into my arms, he seemed to let out a sigh of relief as well. I barely would let him out of my arms again to the point that he slept with me. I don’t know how so many other moms can just put their babies in the bassinets and go to sleep. It wasn’t so easy for me.

Raph and I didn’t sleep too much in the hospital. Raph, the poor thing, had to sleep on this awful pull-out chair that really wasn’t long enough for him. At best, I probably got no more than three hours sleep for five consecutive days. They provide these plastic bassinets so you can put them down to sleep, but I wouldn’t have it. I felt I needed to hold that little yoda-looking bug at every moment. And when I needed a nap, Raph would hold him, letting the kid suck on his fingers. I felt the most overwhelming sense of total love for that little boy in those first few days. Even now, it makes me cry to think of it.

Raph will probably never forget Makili’s first poop. Because of my incision, I didn’t get out of bed the first day in the hospital, though I felt virtually no pain, and recovered very quickly. Poor Raph, willing and wanting to be a great dad, was ready to change diapers. His first task ended up being a meconium-filled diaper, with poop everywhere. It took he and the doula a good 15 minutes, to wipe it off of Makili’s back and legs and thighs and feet. A huge brown/black tarry mess. These have become a lot more common lately, but that first one was a douzy.

In addition to sleeping, and cleaning up poop, we nursed A LOT, as the little boy came into the world with a big appetite. He would nurse constantly for a few hours, alternating between breasts, and then finally passing out for a few hours. Breastfeeding, I learned quickly, though instinctual, is difficult and requires full commitment. Makili definitely seemed born knowing how things worked and seemed somewhat disappointed that there weren’t breastloads of milk waiting for him. The little bits of colostrum didn’t seem to cut it.

Makili quickly established himself as a screamer. He would sleep sweetly, nurse avidly, and scream in any other interval. We worried in the first few days that he cried because he was gassy. Finally a nice nurse, Joann, convinced us that in fact he might just be hungry. That was a thought that had never crossed my mind. Just as I had assumed that I would have a natural birth, I had assumed that my body would provide adequate nutrition for the baby it grew. It was another shock to my system to consider that perhaps I couldn’t. We agreed to try a half ounce of formula to help fill his belly and see if it made a difference. ½ ounce of formula is not very much; it seemed like a few teaspoons. Yet he drank it with gusto and thereafter immediately passed out for three hours. It was clear there and then that I had been starving the little man, and I began impatiently waiting for my milk to come in and supplementing minimally with formula in the meantime.

Even though we supplemented a little with formula, not getting enough milk was trouble for Makili in the first few days, or at least they made us feel that way in the hospital. Babies are expected to lose weight in the first days after birth as they wait for their moms’ milk to come in. They have built in mechanisms to deal with this. They conserve water by having super-concentrated pees, called urates. This is normal, but when the system is not being flushed normally, jaundice can occur, which is exactly what happened to Makili. The last day before we left, he had a blood test done to check his bilirubin level, which is what causes jaundice. His level wasn’t dangerous they said, but it meant he would have to be checked again in Hilo the following day, which meant two 45-minute car rides with a four-day old screamer.

The initial ride home from the hospital was a turning point in Makili’s life. He seemed to open his eyes, really open his eyes for the first time. I put him into the car seat, and waited for him to either scream or sleep, but instead he just looked around. All the way home, he looked around, held on to my fingers, and finally dozed off. It was the first quiet alert period I had seen him experience. My breasts were happy for the break, and I was happy to know that Makili’s life awake could mean something other than nursing. When his little eyes locked with mine, it truly hurt me inside. The last few days “awake” have been a difficult time for little Makili. He has been sleeping for almost six hours straight at night (a small miracle we believe) but makes up for it with LONG periods of screaming during the day. It is pretty exhausting. Luckily, Raph’s thumb has made a really good pacifier, so you can’t complain about that.

Being a new mom is an emotional rollercoaster. One moment I’m happy and enthusiastic, then next I’m weepy and sad. Raph is a big help for me and I thank god often that I’m not doing this by myself. I recently read that Anne Lamott book, Operating Instructions, which was hilarious and lewd. I don’t know how you could do this on your own (like she did). I’m glad the moms are here and I don’t have to prepare food or do laundry. I just wouldn’t do it most likely. We’ll see how things go next week when we’re on our own again and have to move back to the mainland.

My sister-in-law, Laura, and her 5-month old baby, Gabrielle, came to visit from Japan today. It is amazing how big she is after five short months. Laura can’t believe how tiny Makili is. She says she is afraid to break him. Gabrielle can barely contain herself from grabbing Makili’s toes, which are her favorite things. She is all smiles, which makes Makili’s screaming all the more difficult.

The little guy is sleeping on the couch right now. After a particularly inconsolable afternoon yesterday, he was a complete angel last night. I told him I love him more when he doesn’t cry. Maybe that made a difference. He has been awake and alert most of the morning and looking around taking it all in. Painfully cute. Seriously it hurts.